10.07.2013

Can I Just Stay In Today?

Back in 2004 when I was in the hospital, people kept on telling me that things will get better. That has been true when it comes to situations. I'm not in Canada right now, so that's cool. But this has not proven to be true when it comes to my mental health. It just gets worse. It's extremely difficult to deal with anything. 

Last week from the 30th to the 6th, I had seven classes to attend. I made it to two. I'm lazy, but I'm not lazy to the point where I just start skipping classes. I just couldn't get out of bed. That's really scary. I couldn't get out of bed. I was awake long before I had to head out, but I couldn't do it. Just laying there, watching the time go by and crying because I couldn't make myself do something so simple. I feel like I can't do anything worth doing. Like I'm the most useless human being right now. I cannot help myself.

And then I start thinking about the future. What happens if things stay the same as they are now or if they get even worse? What happens when I have a job and I can't make it? When I get back to Canada, I can skip all the classes I want. As long as I manage to keep up with the work and show up for tests, it won't matter how many days I miss. But we all know that can't happen with jobs. 

Nothing is far away. Nothing ever lasts for very long. Soon I'll be done school, and I don't know how I'm gonna handle working. I had a hard time doing five hour shifts two to five days a week. This is gonna be interesting...

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