9.08.2014

Impossible

I got through my first week of classes. Wednesday, the first day, was the worst. I went to the counselling centre after my classes were done. I had to do an intake appointment since the person I saw last semester isn't there anymore. At one point the person I was talking to said something along the lines of, 'We can't change what happened in the past. We can only help you deal with it and learn ways to move forward.' I didn't get it. The first thing that came to my mind was, "What do you mean you can't change the past?! How am I supposed to move on with my life if you can't erase my memories?" I know that seems stupid but I honestly don't know how I can move on with the memories I have. This year has been the worst year of my life, up until I returned to Korea in June. I had to drop a class last minute, get the rest of my exams moved, and started taking medication, among other things. This is a clear sign that I cannot deal with the past. 

They then asked me what I wanted to work on in the future and what being better looked like. It was a really confusing thing to understand. First, I said that I don't know what to say in terms of what I want to work on. No. I know what I need to say and talk about, I just can't say it. And they told me that maybe talking about it isn't the way for me to work on things. But it is. I need to talk about it because I can't keep all this shit to myself. It's just too damn hard. And then the being better question. What does being better look like? How the hell am I supposed to know? I've been sick my whole life. I don't know what it's like to be well. Makes more sense to ask someone who's been there. 

Then they person went on about different things I could work with, treatment wise, and that's when I knew that it is all impossible. Everything they was telling me about are all things I've tried before. I did a whole year in college working on EFT, CBT, talking to my inner child, The Secret, writing letters with my non-dominant hand, and the list goes on. Nothing has changed. Nothing has gotten better. And I just sat there and thought that the only way for things to go forward is if you just put me on a super high dose of meds until I'm at the point that all I can do is live. Live without emotion. Just turn me into a zombie. I want to be so out of it that I can't remember a thing. 

I'm hoping this week will be better. I've gone the whole weekend laying in bed and barely ate a thing. I also didn't sleep again last night, so I'm off to a bad start. I'm so lost right now.

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