2.11.2017

Why Is This Still A Problem?

"Sometimes when I feel like shit I wanna go out and buy some clothes. But then I remember that nothing in the stores fit me, so I keep wearing the same things I've been wearing for the past ten+ years. And I continue to feel like shit."

I made this post on fb not long ago. It's so frustrating that my options for clothing are 1) shop online or 2) lose weight so that i can fit into what they have in the stores. I shouldn't have to change myself so that i can enjoy the same luxuries as people who are smaller than me. That's fucked up. And it's fucked up that i've been complaining about this shit for years and nothing has changed.

I started getting fat around grade one or two, and that sucked, but at that age i didn't have a sense of style. I wore whatever my mom bought. nbd But then as i got a bit older, and fatter, my mom could no longer find clothes for me in the children's sections. I was literally having to get my clothes at the same stores my mom got her clothes at. -__- Like that shit ain't cute on a 12 year old.

By the time i got to high school, my wardrobe consisted of jeans, joggers, and t-shirts. I'm still wearing a lot of the same things that i was wearing in high school. Picking up random pieces along the way. But i don't feel comfortable in my clothes anymore. They're not me.

In 2014 i had to start taking medication for a health problem. It wasn't doing it's job, and since then i've tried a number of other medications hoping that they'd help me get better. But none of it has worked the way i'd hoped. Instead of getting better, i've been putting on weight. Not a huge amount, but enough to make the t-shirts i've been wearing since 2005 fit a little too snug. Enough for me to be at my heaviest. I hate it. I hate that i feel so gross. I hate that i can't fit into my clothes. And i hate that this weight gain isn't entirely in my control. Then there was a car accident late last year that has seriously limited my movement.

Back before the medication and accident, i was always "going to lose weight", but it was never urgent. I knew that i was physically able to workout; i just needed to stop being so damn lazy. But now i don't have that control. I can't workout with Jillian Michaels or Billy Blanks anymore; i can barely stand long enough to do the dishes. And i feel like i'm being punished for this. Punished for being lazy in the past, punished for needing to be on medication now, and punished for being in a car accident.

On top of all of that, i don't feel comfortable in my body. Looking past the fat, cause being fat really isn't the problem here, i hate how curvy i am. My breast have gotten bigger, you know how i feel about that, and my thighs are thicker than i care for. I feel like this body isn't mine and i don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to dress it.

Waiting for me to not always have new reasons to hate myself...

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